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[bring_a_sponge]

 
Picture this:

The Man in Charge. Master of All He Surveys. The Chief. The Boss. The Big Man.

Agent Zed.

In his office at the heart of MiB HQ.

A good day. Quiet. Productive. The kind of day a man expects he'll be able to look back on with tremendous satisfaction.

Well, half a day, anyway....

Comments

[nita_callahan]

This seems to be Nita's cue to sit back and stop being nervous, so she does the first and works on the second.

And watches K and Zed talk, eyebrows climbing higher with each sentence, until--

"Damn," says someone outside the office, with a wolf-whistle, "and I thought I made this look good."

[bring_a_sponge]

K gestures grandly toward the office door, left ajar in anticipation of the moment.

"Zed, Nita, I give you a new era in the history of the Men in Black:

Agent Beta. And Agent Gamma."


It's that last word that twigs Zed to what's about to happen to his bureau.

"K, what the fu--?"

[3rdtimelucky.livejournal.com]

Right on cue, Goldilocks and She-Hulk make their entrance through the office door, both attired in MiB Suits and standard issue Ray Bans. The Suits fit perfectly, and accentuate their curvy forms in the best possible way.

"...555-Beta," Goldy is saying over her shoulder to someone who remains out of sight, and she is holding up her brand spanking new MiBlackberry. "Call me!"

Coming to a stop in front of Zed's desk, she then focuses on the man before her and awards him a typically lazy smirk.

"Hello, Zee. Are you okay there? You look a bit peaky."

[gammagammahey.livejournal.com]

Jen knows that there is a time for show stopping entrances, and she's very, very good at them.

She also knows that this probably isn't the time for one, due to the calculated risk of Zed flatlining when she and Goldy step into the office. (She'd graphed out the risk on her highly personalized Stark Industries calculator beforehand.)

Nonetheless, she does pause in the doorway, demurely kicking up a heel and letting her Ray Bans slide down her emerald green nose.

"Hi, Chief. Need a glass of water and a defibrillator?"

Needless to say, her blouse is bright purple. And is that suit black, or a shade of purple so deep as to be indistinguishable from black? Only certain claves of Jovian entities with organs ridiculously sensitive to electromagnetic radiation know for sure.

Hopefully, it'll pass. If not? Jen has other means.

[nita_callahan]

. . . So this is what K had up his sleeve.

Stifling laughter, Nita glances between the women and Zed.




This is the fastest Nita has ever built a sound-muffling shield in her life.

[bring_a_sponge]

Zed? Is Very Calm now.

Very, very calm.

He knows what this is. It's simple really.

He's in the fucking bar.

The fucking Landlord grabbed his ass when Zed wasn't looking, and has kept him there so long, Zed has actually fallen asleep. And that's what THIS is, his fucking nightmare after being stuck in Milliways for who knows how long.

So Zed waits for a few seconds. Because after this shit, he must be close to waking up screaming.

So Zed waits.

Except.... that doesn't seem to be helping.

"...I'm not waking up."

Beat.

"Goddammit, why am I not waking up?!?!?"

[3rdtimelucky.livejournal.com]

"This the real deal," Goldy chuckles, perching herself on the corner of Zed's desk. Her blouse is a more traditional MiB white, but the cut is low and revealing and it has no buttons or collar. Okay, fine, it's more ivory than white. It's closer than Jen's though!

"Jen and I are primed and ready to be your new part-time agents," she says, while absently setting the balls of his Newton's cradle executive stress toy into motion.

Tack... tack... tack... they go as they pendulum into each other.

"We filled out the questionnaire and everything."

[gammagammahey.livejournal.com]

"Don't play with his balls, sweetie," Jen admonishes, with a radiant smile that effectively makes her statement a non-admonishment altogether. In fact, it might be taken as a mild encouragement. "That's where a man is most vulnerable."

"We did complete the paperwork, Chief. I even attached a comprehensive appendix listing all the systems where I'm a known quantity, welcome or unwelcome. I think we've got social capital that will be valuable to the organization."

The fact that Jen manages to say this with a completely straight face is a testament to the years she spent fighting it out in the trenches of the New York State Unified Court system.

She nods and smiles at Nita. "Hi, kiddo."

[nita_callahan]

Aware she's being addressed, even if she can't really hear what's being said (which is a real pity), Nita grins back at Jen and offers a little wave.

And sneaks a glance at Zed again.

[bring_a_sponge]

Zed's gone quiet again.

What comes next starts with a slight twitch of his right brow. And then slowly builds.

After the confrontation with the Black Oil last year, Zed had the entire MiB HQ rebuilt from the subfloors up. Naturally, that included some heavy reinforcing of the walls, particularly the glass walls of his office, which would probably hold up respectably to anything short of a direct hit from a tactical nuclear strike.

So when said glass walls begin to vibrate, you know you're in for something good. Unless you happen to be standing right in front of it. K isn't surprised to see several Agents down on the main floor already diving for cover under their desks.

You could call the funny sound in the air a strangled growl, but that doesn't nearly do justice to the vibrato that's got Zed's mug heading for the edge of his desk. K hadn't known Zed's eyes could bulge quite like that, but he's even more impressed by how well the Chief's bulk is matching the resonant frequency of the entire building.

Years later, several veteran Agents will insist they felt the Emergency Tectonic Response System kick in a full two seconds before:

MMMMMMRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

[3rdtimelucky.livejournal.com]

Ever so prudently, Goldy wore earplugs for this meeting, though they can't be seen through her luxuriant tresses. So she doesn't wince or grimace at Zed's monstrous roar. On the contrary, she looks quite delighted by it.

"Oh, that was a thing of beauty. I hope you got that, Jen. I know I'm going to want to see it over and over again."

Grinning madly, she pulls out the digital decibel reader from her jacket pocket and checks the measurement.

"Yes!" she then exclaims.

"One hundred and twelve decibels. I told you he'd top a jet at a hundred yards. That's fifty bucks you owe me, girlfriend."

[gammagammahey.livejournal.com]

"Got it," is the reply, rich with the satisfied tones of someone that knows she now possesses professional grade blackmail material. Jen's hair has been blown attractively about by Zed's mighty exhalation of rage, but that hasn't stopped her from discreetly recording his reaction.

Naturally, she tries to calm him down. "Smile, Chief! One more for the books!"

She holds up her handheld multiversal PDA, which happens to have been recently modified to be able to pristinely capture the technicolor nuances of someone in profound spiritual agony. How she got it past MiB security involves a truly labyrinthian tale and a generous portion of cleavage.

Smile, Zed! You're on Candid Camera!

"Can I pay it off in Rhunian martinis. Goldy? I think you'll love them."

Not to mention that each Rhunian martini averages about Olympic pool size.

[k_in_black]

K's been around Zed for long enough to recognize the signs early on, but even with his MiB training, he's only just getting started as Zed launches himself across the desk at Goldy and Jen.

"Whoa, Chief!! Whoa!!"

Unfortunately, it takes Zed no time at all to realize that this works out even better. Which is why K now feels two meaty mitts closing around HIS neck.

"Goddammit, it was you!! YOU did this!!

"What'd He do??!? What's that fucking Landlord giving you to get at me?!?

K stumbles back, and calls out a strangled, "Chief!!--ggghhhn---Chief, wait!!--nnnngghh!!!"

THUD!!

Nothing like Zed falling on top of you to make the breath explode from your lungs.


Yeah. Not their finest moment.

[nita_callahan]

"Holy--!"

Nita says a word to dissolve the muffler wizardry, scrambling to her feet.

"Boss!"

Crap.

She babbles out a phrase in the Speech (K might recognize parts of it, actually) -- and Zed freezes.

Of course, he's still kind of on top of K, but at least he's not actively throttling him anymore.

[3rdtimelucky.livejournal.com]

"Martinis work fine," Goldy tells Jen, not reacting to Zed's lunge in the slightest.

He's fast for his behemoth size, but not Cass or Miho fast—she is quite sure that she could dodge if someone didn't intervene. And someone did. The ensuing Agent-on-Agent struggle and timely wizard magic are given an amused eyebrow from her relaxed pose on the desk corner seat. And then an impressed nod.

"Not bad, sweetheart. Not bad at all."

Showing no more interest in the situation, she gets up and wanders over to the glass that overlooks the main hall. The fact that this puts her in the sacrosanct area behind Zed's desk does not seem to concern her either.

"Oh, I remember this view. That's the room where we fought those ugly flying clone robot things. Do you remember, Jen? I got thrown up against this very glass." She peers more closely at the transparent wall in question, and sniffs distastefully. "Great custodians they have here. I can still see a smear of my lipstick."

"Maybe I ought to requisition the Oompa Loompas to do some work on the side around this place."

[gammagammahey.livejournal.com]

Jen, meanwhile, is marveling at Zed's sudden profound stillness.

On top of K.


She's not quite sure what caused it - sudden back spasm, or the kid with the strange glossolalia?

A massive back catalog of potential superpowers opens up in her mind, lovingly maintained and frequently referenced.

Density manipulation?

Energy projection?

Psionic blasts?

Concussive beams, gravity manipulation, mesmerization, eyeball lasers, paralytic venom blasters?

Or, possibly, something more subtle, such as magic.

"What's this?" she muses, gently taking hold of the scruff of Zed's neck - or rather, his suit - and lifting him to dangle four feet above the ground, gazing at him curiously, then a penetrating glance at Nita and Goldy. "What happened, Chief? Did you trip on your wounded pride?"

"You can get up, K. He's not going anywhere. Get a stretcher, some Gatorade, and a Diazepam drip. Just in case."

[nita_callahan]

Nita looks suitably impressed, but asks "You promise?" before saying the phrase that will unfreeze Zed.

"Sorry, sir. K, are you, um, okay?"

[k_in_black]

A slightly squashed K is already up on his feet, straightening his tie and doing his level best to project his usual quiet competence.

"That... could have gone better."

He eyes Zed warily.

[bring_a_sponge]

"I am Zed's nuclear blast-furnace rage. If you'd like to leave a message for our regularly scheduled Zed, don't hold your fucking breath, but feel free to leave a message after the bellowing roar, and we'll see what you get..."

[3rdtimelucky.livejournal.com]

Realizing that no-one is listening to her irrelevant commentary, Goldy ceases her inspection work at the window and turns back to the assembly. K seems a little rattled, but fine for the most part, so her first order of business is to right Zed's upturned office chair. Her second is situate herself in it and throw her heeled boots up onto the pristine desk surface.

"Welcome back to the land of civility, Zee," she says.

Finally, she systemically opens drawers in the desk until she locates Zed's secret candy stash, and helps herself to one of the mini Twix bars she finds there.

"All shock-value fun and japes aside," she solemnly continues as she tears the wrapper, "we're serious about this. I for one promise to respect you as the head honcho once I'm working. And I further vow to uphold all the bureau rules and codes of conduct. I can be a good girl when I need to be."

[gammagammahey.livejournal.com]

Jen, for one, is grateful for Goldy's Declaration of Intent to Sort Of Behave, even if it leaves a lot of wiggle room. She knows Goldy is sharp enough to never back herself into a corner.

Zed still dangles, held in the gamma grip of Jen's left hand, but when she speaks, her tone is soothing, coupled with the crisp professionalism of someone that has talked a lot of people off a lot of edges over the last decade.

"I'm blast proof, Zed, remember? That's why K wanted me. Impervious to most physical and psychological harm. Now, hear that? Goldy and I will behave. That's not so bad, is it? You're up two operatives that are willing and able to take directions and think on their feet. I'll even minimize my initiative for the first sixty days. Can I let you down?"

[3rdtimelucky.livejournal.com]

"And think about what you're getting with me," Goldy adds.

"While I'm not indestructible, I am immortal, so I never really die and I heal super fast. I have marksmanship talents and can handle most weapons, and I'll sleep with anyone or anything. That will work well alongside Jen's diplomacy skills."

[nita_callahan]

". . . Want me to go over my qualifications again," Nita asks, glancing between Goldy and Jen and stifling laughter, "or are we okay?"

[k_in_black]

K's been taking all this in while he finishes restoring himself from that unfortunate moment in dishabille.

Well, they've made their case. And the longer Zed stays up there, the worse it's going to be.

He nods to Jen to let the Chief down and gives Nita a wink.

After that, K braces himself for impact.

[gammagammahey.livejournal.com]

"That may not be helping, Goldy," Jen judges, slooooowly lowering Zed until his feet touch the ground, then bracing him with a firm hand low on his back.

"Talk to me, Chief. Nouns and verbs, complete sentences, absence of material threats."